And why it is essential to have one.

Before becoming a mom, I never thought much of motherhood. I did have somewhat of a patriarchic view about the mother’s role. Mothers had to be able to do it all, and parenting is a piece of cake. I have read many times this phrase and it fits perfectly: we all perfect parents before having kids. What a big truth this is. We think we know it all, and that the few parents we know are lazy and complain too much. Does this sound familiar? It’s all laughs and ignorance until you actually have a baby, and reality settles in.

What reality you may ask? The truth about how becoming a mom is the biggest physical and emotional transformation you will ever go through. How this tiny new marvelous creature needs you 24/7, and not because they are spoiled, but because of basic biology. So, we need to provide safety, warmth, love, nurture and much more, for at least the first 3 years. And what is the problem you ask? That this is basically a full-time job x3.

3x8h=24h if you were wondering about my calculations 🙂

 

We used to have a tribe to support us as new mothers. Wise women whom could show us how to breastfeed, parent, co sleep safely, etc. Maidens who would come help us at home, while we took care of your little cub. Men who would hunt and gather, and protect us. I obviously believe these gender roles are obsolete nowadays, so women go gather (work) and men go cook and clean whatever you want. We are all just functional adults taking care of our homes. But what about our community? Our children and mothers? We have been eternally forgotten. Here in Spain women have to leave their 16-week young baby (heartbreaking) with usually complete strangers, to work 8 hours a day and then go on to their sleepless nights. And for this we blame the baby. Someone will obviously tell you at one point that sleep training is the only option. As if we were talking about a dog. Poor baby, isn’t he or she going through enough? The whole day without their true love which is their mother, and now also the nights? Or else someone will blame the mom. “Well then you shouldn’t have had kids. Now stop complaining”. The most useless phrase ever. When has that ever helped anything? Instead of wording such nonsense, have these people ever thought to just stop talking and start helping?

There is this new phenomenon, and many moms which surround me nowadays have told me the exact same. The moment they become moms, when they need most help, all the childless people in their lives sort of disappear. Not completely, so you will have a polite WhatsApp message from time to time. Lots of cancelled plans, or plans to which they know you cannot come. Not because you can’t. Of course, dad can take over. Most of us just don’t want to leave our babies to go out at night. We just want our friends near us during our motherhood journey. We want spontaneous visits, homecooked meals, nice conversations, some quality time with our kids (babysitting) while we take a bath. That is what we want. We don’t really miss our old lives, or our old us. We miss our tribe. We feel abandoned. I think this had to be said.

I envy the few mom friends I have that do have a big friend group of aunts and uncles. It really seems like the natural way of things. We need this. Our kids need this. To grow up in community, where we help each other. Not this individualistic crap that has been enforced on us since we were small. Seeing people taking care of their newly parent friends, and bonding with their kids seems so special to me, yet nowadays so very rare. So, peeps, make time for your mom friends. This is a shoutout. They need you. We need you.